««- · CWU MEMOiRS 0x23 · -»»
========= C00LeS WaReZ UNiON * HiSToRiCaL mEmOiRZ * cHApTeR #0x23 =========
DaTE: 1995-01-22 aT aBoUT 17:00
LoCATiON: dA hOuSE wHerE REiJO PiRiNEN & DiCK PUNiSHER LiVe aND wHerE
mR.mEgAsTuFf iS SupPOsED tO LiVE tOO, hAuTaTAiPALe, LieTEVeDEn
kUntA, FiNLAndPrESeNT: mR.mEgAsTuFf
dA dArK ELiTE
WaRe FuCKeR
MoTHeR FuCKeR
dArK sTuFfEr
+ SoME nON-CWU LaMErZ, iNcLUDiNG:
* mR.mEGAStUfF's MoThER "RITU"
* DiCK PUNiSHER a.k.a. "TIMPPA" (bUAHAHAHA WHAT A NAME)
* DiCK PUNiSHER's FaTHeR "REiJO" (FUkkEN SYPHILIS-LAMER)
* DiCK PUNiSHER's SiSTeR "TIINA"===========================================================================
dArK sTuFfEr: I and WoRLD HeR0 made translations of the stuff in PICKUP.TXT so we'll get to test if they work...
DiCK PUNiSHER: What's y'all readin' there?
mR.mEgAsTuFf: None of yar buzz, lamer clown!
DiCK PUNiSHER: I'm gonna tell dad that ye don't lemme look into yer thangs!
dA dArK ELiTE: For what sake d'ye hafta be in the same room with that there monkey? A goddamn big house, s'posed to have 'nother room for ye as well...
mR.mEgAsTuFf: But I've promised to be in da same room...
dA dArK ELiTE: Canna we go to some other room, at least for this here thang?
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Can't do it, 'coz that (syphilis-dick) has told me not to be in 'em...
DiCK PUNiSHER: I'M GONNA TELL DAD THAT YE CALLED HIM SYPHILIS-DICK!!!
REIJO: STOP SCREWIN' AROOND THERE GODDAMMIT!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Fuck... Allright, ya can look at 'em... ya wouldn't get 'em anyway with such elementary-schooler brainz.
DiCK PUNiSHER: "Do you possess a light?"
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Right, ya've looked enuff.
DiCK PUNiSHER: "I would really wish the licking of apricot liquor from your navel."
dA dArK ELiTE: D'y'all fellaz really reckon that sayin' that ye'd get Jaana, Elina and such come with from the disco?
dArK sTuFfEr: I don't really get how they should work, but at least we might try them out?
DS In many HPA tricks ye get only afterwards how they work, if even then...:
MoTHeR FuCKeR: Couldna we change it a bit? We'd put sump'n like apricot kilju there, and not any posh liquors...
dArK sTuFfEr: Ye hafta keep 'em exactly the same to get 'em to work!
dA dArK ELiTE: Well, I don't believe that afore I see...
dArK sTuFfEr: Ye hafta believe in them aforehand, they won't work otherwise.
dA dArK ELiTE: For whatta fuck's sake we hafta believe?
dArK sTuFfEr: It's like that in all magick...
dA dArK ELiTE: So, it's now some sorcery this here too? Recall what I've said ye asbout all of yer witchcrafts?
dA dArK ELiTE: Ye can worship all of yer thousand demons all yerself, but don't get straight-back Evangelical Lutherans -
dArK sTuFfEr: Fuck off there with yer straight-backness ye fuckin' sheep! Y'all Christians be some fuckin' yielders and brainwashers...
dA dArK ELiTE: D'YE WANNA PIECE OF ME, YE FUCKIN' DEVIL-WORSHIPPIN' ATHEIST?!? Ye dunno anythang aboot Christianity 'coz ye don't even go to religion classes...
dArK sTuFfEr: Fuck it...
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Hey doodz, we ain't doin' no rituals no but tryin' out HPA instructions!! Just choose something that's easier to believe in if it's up to that, dammit.
dArK sTuFfEr: That there "speed seduction" file is more sensible, though I hain't gotten everythang aboot it yet either...
dA dArK ELiTE: What's that one tellin' to worship then?
dArK sTuFfEr: Fuckin' nuffin!!
dArK sTuFfEr: But I reckon it's a really tuff thang there that ye can control and command people by reformin' the commands as questions...
mR.mEgAsTuFf: That sounds a bit more sensible that there's some backdoors in people that can be exploited... and not any of that dumb Larry shit!
dA dArK ELiTE: Still doubtin' aboot that...
dArK sTuFfEr: Fuck's sake, GOD'S MADE A BACKDOOR, is that enuff of an explanation for Mr Dogmatist???
dA dArK ELiTE: I mean fuck, if that'd be true for real, then wouldna all people be commandin' us aroond any way they wish?
dA dArK ELiTE: Like "SIL-VOUS-PLAIT JUMP IN THE LAKE DAMMIT", and then that "sil-vous-plait" would fuckin' shell to DOS where ye can enter commands... everbody would know that if that existed!
dArK sTuFfEr: Don't think it'd work at easily as that, 'coz there's some defense mechanism that goes up if you command directly, but if ye use a question, then they're more likely to obey...
dA dArK ELiTE: Ye mean like "could you, good lady, jump in the lake, would you be so friendly?"
dArK sTuFfEr: Naw... but somethang like "have you ever tried to jump in the lake?"
dArK sTuFfEr: Or "how does it feel when you jump in the lake?"
dArK sTuFfEr: Or then ye can use like an "embedded command" that the command's there in a sentence but as something else, like... err...
dArK sTuFfEr: "Look, there's again some folks there who JUMP IN THE LAKE DAMMIT!"
dA dArK ELiTE: It's gettin' a bit better but still sounds like scam.
WaRe FuCKeR: Ain't them like them there lamecapture pranks? Dinna we manipulate folks there to believe and do all kindsa mega-stoopid.
dArK sTuFfEr: It's not the same, 'coz we dinna have any HPA techniques for it so there wasna magick involved...
WaRe FuCKeR: But it went right well nevertheless!!
RITU: NOW GET FOR COFFEE, BOYS!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Ya've then gotta behave as well as ya can at da table!!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Reijo's soon leaving for a work trip in Mikkeli, and I wouldn't wanna take many days of arse pain for nuffin...
MoTHeR FuCKeR: Let's go already.
...
RITU: Take some jelly roll too, boys...
dA dArK ELiTE: All the way up to jelly roll! What's the festivity today?
RITU: It's worth some fest now that Mika's friends are for once visitin' our family's united household!
REIJO: It's clear that ye've improved yer manners lately, Mika, even though ye've still gotta lot to learn!
REIJO: What was that noise there a while ago?
mR.mEgAsTuFf: I'm sorry, I didn't consider it well...
REIJO: Yer forgiven, this time.
REIJO: But 'nother business now! Y'all boys there, tell yer parents at home to vote for the Centre Party in this spring's elections!
REIJO: Now that we've joined that goddamn bloody E.C. then there's no other party that's gonna save us...
RITU: It's much like that that Centre is the only one we dare to trust! All the other partties be some city-slickers' deception...
REIJO: All the other parties are either communists or some rot-headed yoga levitators.
dA dArK ELiTE: At least we're gonna vote for Centre, we've always voted!
MoTHeR FuCKeR: Just like that, Centre is Centre...
REIJO: I mostly inteded this for that one there, whose parents be votin' for them there Russkie-arse-lickers!
dArK sTuFfEr: Oh right, I've gotta tell 'em then...
REIJO: We won't stay lookin' at no communist-voters in our household! But good that at least that Hannu and Arja's boy dinna come...
REIJO: Y'all could change both of 'em for our Tim. Tim and Mika are now brothers, after all...
mR.mEgAsTuFf: (We fuckin' ain't...)
REIJO: Ye hafta get used to this already, at least now... would you, my dear Ritu, tell the real reason for that there jelly roll?
RITU: Now, y'all listen up now.
RITU: We've decided with Reijo that WE'RE GONNA GET MARRIED IN JULY!!!
TIINA: Wow, congratulations so much!!!
DiCK PUNiSHER: Ain't that cool.
MoTHeR FuCKeR: Sump'n like that.
mR.mEgAsTuFf: ...
REIJO: And we'll change Ritu's surname into Pirinen then... not any womens' rights hags' Tossavainen-Pirinen but just plain honest Pirinen...
REIJO: And Mika and Sari's surname will also change for Pirinen...
mR.mEgAsTuFf: WHATTA F... Sorry... What if I don't want that?
REIJO: Well, yer opinions ain't worth a slightest fuck in this matter.
REIJO: Yer undert-aged, our changed, and we're allowed to decide aboot everythang for ye.
REIJO: Yer our own property and our own investent for the future... and I'm sure that in time yer gonna get used to being Pirinen...
dArK sTuFfEr: (Try to fuckin' stop yerself, Tossavainen... don't start ragin'...)
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Mrrmmrhh...
REIJO: The tone in yer bell's sure gonna change once ye get into our family's benefits!
REIJO: I'm a rich director and I've got well plenty of money to pay the likes of them there eight-thousand-mark bills done by that friend of yers at the town...
WaRe FuCKeR: He ain't our friend... and he had to sell his computer away...
REIJO: Anyway... there's no need in our family to spare money in any hobbies!
REIJO: As long as y'all take Tim in, there'll be plenty of money for everything ye do!
dArK sTuFfEr: Well, I guess we'll take him then...
DiCK PUNiSHER: Yeah, y'all be so kind to me!!!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: I dinna promise nuffin yet...
REIJO: Right, maybe I hafta give ye time to consider, 'coz it's such a big decision after all...
REIJO: But I reckon I hafta get in my car now. Thank you, my upcoming wife-in-marriage, for the coffee and the jelly roll.
TIINA: Thank you so much, it was good jelly roll!
REIJO: We'll see again the day after tomorrow!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: I mean, for the...
RITU: (Don't shout yet, he's still in the hall!)
dA dArK ELiTE: Still a minute to go, hold on...
DiCK PUNiSHER: Yer so red already, man!!!
TIINA: We do know that ye hate dad, even if ye dinna growl aboot it all the time...
MoTHeR FuCKeR: Can't see the Mercedes out there anymaw.
mR.mEgAsTuFf: FUCKIN' TOTALLY-SYPHILIS-DICKED REIJO SADIST, GODDAMMIT! AND FUCKIN' LAMER-TIM GODDAMMIT!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: GOTTA KILL EVERY FUCKIN' PIRINEN IN THIS WORLD, GOD-DAMN GOD-DAMN GOD-DAMN-IT!!!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: OUR CREW'S GONNA GET SOME FUCKIN' DYNAMITE TO EXPLODE THAT SHITTY NAZI FUCKHEAD OUTTA EXISTENCE!!! AND WE'LL KEEP THIS WORD!!!
dArK sTuFfEr: Yeah, even less would've been enuff... at least I could fuckin' murder that pile of shit the hell out of the face of the earth... they could even put me in jail for that, I'd be ready for that too, for real...
WaRe FuCKeR: Hope he dinna now forget anythang and come back for it!
TIINA: Is that now kind at him at all, hey!?!
dArK sTuFfEr: I've gotta visit the bathroom now...
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Let's then go to that lockable room where none of those ETERNAL NON-CWU-LAMERS come to screw around...
DiCK PUNiSHER: Dinna I get in to yer -
mR.mEgAsTuFf: As long as I am in CWU then THAT FUCKIN' ULTRA-LAMER WON'T HAVE A SLIGHTEST PART IN ANY CWU PROJECT, GODDAMMIT!
DiCK PUNiSHER: Ye broke yer promise right away! I'll tell dad once he comes back!!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Tell that incest-hitler of yars like all fuckin' details 'bout our murder plans, I COULDN'T BE ANY LESS INTERESTED!
dArK sTuFfEr: I found hair!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Okay, let's go...
RITU: Don't mess aroond there then...
dArK sTuFfEr: I'm takin' the doll from my bag... is there glue anywhere?
MoTHeR FuCKeR: It's one merry doll there, at least that there dick there!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Yeah, it seems ye've done some careful work... but the dick's a bit too big...
dArK sTuFfEr: It can be, its head is a bit too big too...
WaRe FuCKeR: Look there, there's glue on that shelf! There's glue on that shelf!
dA dArK ELiTE: What's tha fuckin' matter again with y'all fellas?
dArK sTuFfEr: I made a kind of voodoo doll of Reijo the Syphilis-Dick! Now we only need some hair for it to get it to work...
MoTHeR FuCKeR: Hehehehehe...
dA dArK ELiTE: BLOODY FUCK THERE, this was yer last trick now!
dA dArK ELiTE: I'm not gonna stay in this room while y'all be doin' some satanic rituals here!
dA dArK ELiTE: I'd accept it as humor, but y'all guys believe in it for real instead of God and Jesus like real Finns...
dArK sTuFfEr: Well, ye could go to try out that gettin'-laid-HPA in the meanwhile?
dA dArK ELiTE: Somebody else's gotta try it out first...
dArK sTuFfEr: Them there hairs gotta ge dick hair 'cause they've found on the toiletside and they're longer... them there are from the beard... so let's glue them in their places...
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Maybe we don't have to make that ritual just yet.
dArK sTuFfEr: What d'ya mean?
mR.mEgAsTuFf: I've been finkin' if some other time would be better. And Darkie won't have to be with us if he doesn't want...
WaRe FuCKeR: So unfair, I wouldna have wanted that we make that ritual righ now!!!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Perhaps I should try to tolerate that concentration-camp leader until he's officially married.
mR.mEgAsTuFf: After all he's got that money and property, and Ritu's gonna get some of it in the divorce...
dArK sTuFfEr: Yeah, that's a good point... but what if we can't tolerate him?
WaRe FuCKeR: I wouldna wanted to see Reijo's dick explode!!! PUFF, ZA-DAM!!!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Ya wouldn't fuckin' see it anyway 'cause he's already so far...
WaRe FuCKeR: But what if it shows all the way up to the sky, with such a gorgeous explosion!? It's magick after all...
dArK sTuFfEr: Real magick won't make the same kind of special effects as in movies!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Yeah, ain't ya a bit childish for believin' in such effect magick!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: But yeah, let's do the ritual right ON RITU AND REIJO'S MARRIAGE DAY!! Or if there's some exception, then we can do it earlier too.
dA dArK ELiTE: Yeah yeah right, wouldna y'all put that fuckin' alderdoll away already?
MoTHeR FuCKeR: Chewin' that bulldung once again, all of them.
WaRe FuCKeR: Tiina went to squeek that there violin of hers!!!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Wouldya MoTHeR FuCKeR try out that gettin'-laid-HPA first, 'coz yar always askin' 'bout gettin' laid?
MoTHeR FuCKeR: I might well try it out, yeah. Would ya come with me, Hirvonen?
dA dArK ELiTE: Yeah, but I'm not gonna recite some any stoopid-soundin' spells or any Larry shit translated from some textfile...
dArK sTuFfEr: Wonder if it'd decrease the magickal effect too much if there's somebody with us without belief...
MoTHeR FuCKeR: What's we gonna say to her to get laid?
dArK sTuFfEr: I reckon we should first do some ritual where we would ask somebody like Satan for strength to succeed...
WaRe FuCKeR: Yeah, we're gonna do the ritual after all!!!
dA dArK ELiTE: And we bloody fuckin' won't!!!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Maybe we should play for safe now... like, first ask Satan for the strength, and Darkie can be away for that time.
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Then Mothie will go, and Stuffie with him, 'cause he knows the techniques best of us all.
mR.mEgAsTuFf: And then, if it works, then Darkie can also go and get some pussy with the same technique.
WaRe FuCKeR: I want too!!! I want too!!!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Oh, yeah, right. Ya can also go there with Mothie and Stuffie, and we'll ask Satan's protection also for ya.
WaRe FuCKeR: Yeah, I'm gettin' to try out pussy as well!
MoTHeR FuCKeR: Can't we start already?
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Yeah. Darkie, ya can go to blabber some country-side shit with Ritu in the meanwhile.
dA dArK ELiTE: Allrighty.
WaRe FuCKeR: What's we needin' for the ritual? At least the doll, and -
mR.mEgAsTuFf: We don't fuckin' need that doll yet, put it away.
mR.mEgAsTuFf: There ain't lotsa gear here, so let's do just a simple one... after all we just want some extra power to a HPA technique that works even without any supernatural.
dArK sTuFfEr: Yeah, just a simple one. But at least we need some knife.
mR.mEgAsTuFf: For what?
dArK sTuFfEr: We've gotta draw the circle and the pentagram on the ground...
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Let's not fuckin' do it here then, 'coz Reijo would notice from the scratch that we've been here! Let's go outside.
WaRe FuCKeR: But we can't lock the door there, 'coz there's no door at all! And all the neighbors would see!! I dunno if i dare...
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Ya can leave out freely if yar afraid, but ya can't go to pick up Tiina if ya ain't been in da ritual!
WaRe FuCKeR: Well, maybe I dare then...
dArK sTuFfEr: Is there a knife in that there closet?
WaRe FuCKeR: At least I dinna notice...
dArK sTuFfEr: We've gotta ask Ritu for it then...
WaRe FuCKeR: I'm gonna ask it right now!!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Don't then... WAIT, COME BACK!! Fuck, he ain't hearin'...
WaRe FuCKeR: RITUUU, D'YA HAVE A KNIFE TO BORROW? A RITUAL KNIFE...
RITU: What? For what purpose...
WaRe FuCKeR: We're gonna make a -
mR.mEgAsTuFf: SHUT UP NOW!! ... We're just goin' out... er, play... some old knife's well enuff...
DiCK PUNiSHER: What's y'all gonna play?
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Nuffin for elementary-school lamers!
DiCK PUNiSHER: So unfair!!!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Hey, Ritu and Darkie, would ya keep that kid inside while we're doing the ritual -
RITU: Heheheh, ritu-awl... may I come with y'all now that it's for me?
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Nuffin to do with ya fuckin' hick!!! Ya can look up in a dictionary what ritual means, if ya don't know it otherwise, a fuckin' adult person!!!
RITU: Oh, right... maybe I keep inside trhen... there's a knife for 'all... Tim, don't go there either, if the boys wanna do it alone...
DiCK PUNiSHER: I will go there!
dA dArK ELiTE: It's better for ye to keep inside now, I'm not goin' either...
DiCK PUNiSHER: Why ain't ye goin'?
dA dArK ELiTE: 'Cause straight-backed men don't go in any of them there bad boy's rituals!
dA dArK ELiTE: Men like I and ye and Reijo are Evangelical Lutherans, so any kind of Satan-worshipping won't belong to -
DiCK PUNiSHER: I would really wanna go there!
dA dArK ELiTE: God's will now comes before yer will!
DiCK PUNiSHER: They already went out!!! I wanna see!!!
dA dArK ELiTE: Look in the window then.
RITU: It sounds like a dangerous game, that there Satan-worshipping, but maybe just this time. Sari's been playin' that Spiritism in the town after all.
RITU: But Tim, these are again one of them there thangs we won't tell Reijo aboot, 'cause he wouldna take it very well...
DiCK PUNiSHER: Right, okey... what are they drawin' in the ground? Open the window so we'll hear what they say!!!
dArK sTuFfEr: O Satan, our lord, give us strength, so that our HPA technique will work and we shall get laid by Tiina. IÄ, IÄ!
RITU: Heheheheh, like what?
DiCK PUNiSHER: I've gotta tell this to Tiina right away! She's gotta hear this thang too!!
RITU: Heheheh...
dArK sTuFfEr: Are y'all fellas ready now? Remember the lines?
MoTHeR FuCKeR: Yeah, we do.
WaRe FuCKeR: Yeah.
mR.mEgAsTuFf: Then, nuffin more than a fuckin' big bunch of luck-wishes! The honor of Hautataipale will depend on ya!!
MoTHeR FuCKeR: Tiina!
TIINA: Gosh, what's it now?
MoTHeR FuCKeR: Have you ever tried fuckin'?
TIINA: I haven't.
MoTHeR FuCKeR: What does it feel like when you fuck?
TIINA: Where the hell would I know. Get the hell outta there now, I've gotta practice -
WaRe FuCKeR: I would really wish the licking of apricose liqueur from your navel!
TIINA: FUCKIN' LOONY!
DiCK PUNiSHER: They practiced it from some textfile, I saw it!!! And they also made a kind of Satan-worshipping ritual outside to get better luck in it!
TIINA: GETTA HELL OUTTA HERE ALREADY Y'ALL FUCKIN LOONATICS OR I'M GONNA PUKE ALL OVER Y'ALL!!!
TIINA: Y'ALL BE THE ICKIEST GUYS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!
dArK sTuFfEr: ... I guess we dinna get it all right!
mR.mEgAsTuFf: No, we didn't...
dA dArK ELiTE: Tiina, I wasna with them others in the ritual. Have ye ever though what it'd feel like if I fucked ye?
TIINA: I WOULDNA BE ANY LESS INTERESTED! GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE, YER DISTUBIN' ME!!! I'VE GOT A VIOLIN CLASS AND AN EXAM TOMORROW!!!
dA dArK ELiTE: ... Righty.
mR.mEgAsTuFf: It seems we've still got a lot to practice in this technique. But I do believe that it'll work once we've got the technique right.
dArK sTuFfEr: There's still plenty of time afore that there disco, well enuff time to practice.
TIINA: Practice with somethang else than me then, y'all fuckin' miserable computer clowns!
««- · CWU MEMOiRS 0x23 · nExT cHApTeR -»»