C00LeS WaReZ UNiON MeMOiRS: cHApTER #0x95

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0x95  -  Oulu  -  myXTer  -  1998-01  -  193 lines
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I probably owe you an explanation for dropping contact with all my Lietevesi buddies when I moved to Oulu. But I really needed it back then, so please don't be too mad. Let me explain.

Let's start with our elementary school days. I always had to define myself in relation to others, especially other computer users, and especially Meka. For years, he dictated the rules of our local "scene": which games, computers, and topics were good, and which were crap. What qualities made someone an "elite" and, especially, what made someone a "lamer" -- although we didn't even know those words before the seventh grade.

In elementary school, Meka often defined the rules in a way that deliberately excluded me from his group. List Gang was only for C64 users, so there was no place for me as a Spectrum user, nor for Jyri as an MSX user.

I remember Meka had an obsession, even before school age, that he was a "tough guy" and I was a "nerd", and he always wanted to maintain that image whenever possible. So, throughout elementary school, I had to constantly try to convince myself that this wasn't true. Hanging out with Jyri helped somewhat, because Jyri was "tough" in many ways and dared to push back against List Gang. But the underlying problem remained: Meka still had the most say in our "scene," so he could always define me as a "nerd" regardless of how radically Jyri and I fought to define ourselves as the opposite of List Gang.

In sixth grade, I borrowed a 2400 baud modem from Osmo and started dialing into a few BBSs. The other elementary school kids didn't have modems, so the BBSs were a gateway to a completely new and free world where I wouldn't have to worry about the social dynamics of the schoolyard at all. At some point, I downloaded QWK-reader and started actively posting messages on several BBSs in the 97X area. Those messages were pretty childish, but I spent a lot of time and energy on them: they had become my primary social channel, so I could forget the schoolyard of Hautataipale elementary school.

In the spring, my parents Arja and Hannu bought me a faster modem and a dedicated phone line for my birthday, which I used to set up my own bulletin board system, Dark Man BBS. I filled the ANSI graphics with swords and dragons, making sure the warrior and other non-nerdy virtues were as clear as possible.

But it wasn't long before Meka started using a modem too (initially the same one Osmo had lent me earlier) and found me in the BBS world. It felt like a defeated monster had risen again to haunt me. Despite the fact that this monster now generously offered friendship in the form of C00LeS WaReZ UNiON membership. My territory, which I had claimed for myself in the BBS world, would soon be gone, as the schoolyard expectations and rules would invade it. I soon found myself back in that same old "nerd" role, even though I performed the CWU initiation rituals (smoking cigarettes, riding a moped, and getting drunk from kilju) quite well.

The events of September 1995 didn't change the situation much. Although the group's name was temporarily changed to cHAOS wORLD uNKNOWN, and Jyri became its leader, its foundation was still built on Meka's terms. My relationship with Schistic didn't help either, because it was important for her to be as accepted and credible a CWU member as possible.

When my relationship with Schistic ended in December 1995 and I retaliated by joining WAMPIRES, I was still a prisoner of the structure Meka had created. WAMPIRES and CWU were enemies, fighting on the same terms, so even when I was giving sieg heil salutes to Pekka Siitoin in Liperi wearing a pilot jacket, I was always just thinking about CWU and my revenge on it.

But when elementary school ended, I was finally on the path to freedom, a unique opportunity to leave Lietevesi behind both physically and mentally. I decided that summer of 1997 would be the time for the most drastic life change possible. I'd just pack as much as would fit in a rucksack and leave the computers in Osmo's storage. And when I got to Oulu, I'd avoid all kinds of "computer gangs" to the very last.

I got a student apartment in Linnanmaa because my school, Oulu Normal School Gymnasium, was located there. Before school started, I was quite alone, even though I often went to parks specifically to read a book, hoping someone would come and talk. It rarely happened, and when it did, the conversations were usually short. Apparently, the shyness that had been instilled in me in elementary school also made me reserved in this new environment; in BBSes and the Internet, it hadn't been difficult for me to connect with new people.

One day, while looking for more reading material at the main library, I saw a notice on its bulletin board (a real, physical one) for a local Taekwon-Do club. Practicing martial arts would be something I would never have done in my "nerd" role, so I decided to attend the club's event. Maybe it would help me shake off the Lietevesi-ness that made it difficult to connect with people in real life. I even deliberately tried to find events that were as uncharacteristic as possible for me. I attended events for Pentecostals, Laestadians, the volunteer fire department, and a men's choir. It would have been fun to visit the Theosophists' lodge too, but that was too close to the occultism Jyri and I had practiced in Lietevesi.

In August, school finally started with much anticipation. There was, of course, a dedicated Internet connection in the computer lab at Norssi, and always people on IRC; we were in the hometown of IRC, after all. I made a mental note of the IRC users' faces so I could focus on building relationships with those who did not use IRC.

Babylon 5 started airing on Finnish television around the same time as school started, so my first priority was to find people to watch it with. It was quite a circus act finding people who talked about B5 but as little as possible about computers or IRC! Eventually, I ended up hanging out with a couple of guys who were into role-playing games and fantasy books, after making sure none of them had been to the Abduction demoparty. I got to watch B5 with them and even joined their RuneQuest gaming group.

Early in September, I noticed that someone had left a couple of chairs in the trash shed of my apartment building. After some hesitation, I decided to take them to my apartment, which was still pretty bare, especially in terms of furniture. Around the same time, while walking outside, I stumbled upon an abandoned bicycle, which I also took to my apartment after a little consideration and fixed it up. I managed to take long rides in many different parts of Oulu before the snow fell. I noted the recycling center and the landfill, where I might be lucky enough to find working computer parts that I could use once it became relevant again to have a computer of my own. I didn't have much money, so this way I could probably get by cheaper than through the sales ads in Keltainen Pörssi and Fidonet.

Months passed as I built a new life, but then I started to miss CWU and IRC. It would have been so cool to show off my computer skills, especially since there were a few girls in the class who might have been impressed by them, but I held my ground. However, I set a time limit for myself: starting January 1, 1998, I would be allowed to voluntarily return to the world of computing.

I spent X-mas and New Year's at my mother Arja's place, who now lived in the Pielavesi town centre and had returned to work as a primary school teacher after a year of unemployment. Our relationship had become pretty strained before my move, but now it was much warmer. The time away had clearly done some good.

On January 2, 1998, I rode my bike to the city center, sat down at one of the computers at the main library, and made my first "voluntary" connection to my school's shell server (norssi.oulu.fi). It was a Friday, and the spring semester didn't start until the following Monday, so I couldn't get into the school's computer lab. But in the shell I started a screen session and an IRC session inside it, and tried to join #cwu. The channel, however, had a password, but luckily Jyri was still using the same nickname as before (drkstfr), so I asked him for it.

I didn't get an answer before my session time ended, but I did stop by #kukka and #freenet. Even though those channels were still teenage dating hells, the feeling of excitement at seeing a few familiar nicknames was overwhelming. I greeted a girl who was looking for someone to chat with (with very bad spelling). To maximize irony, I even asked her the cliché "what's up?". It felt so good!

In the evening, I went to the library computer again. Now I had received an answer from Jyri and could join #cwu. I spent several sessions there, recounting my experiences to the other Lietevesi people and asking about their news. However, I didn't manage to answer the question "why?" very well in the IRC session, so the following Monday I typed this text directly into my school's computer lab's public_html directory. I posted the URL of the file to #cwu. Meka sent back mocking replies, which, thankfully, didn't bother me much.

Jussi, aka wArlord, wasn't on IRC, so I sent him the same text via email. This started a longer email exchange. Jussi said he had also distanced himself from the other CWU members because they supposedly just spout nonsense on IRC, and he was now focusing on his school friends and the active users of his Frontline BBS. The only other CWU member who still bothered to actively post on Frontline was Jyri, but even he did so quite randomly. I promised Jussi that I would get a modem for my future computer so I could also continue using Frontline.

However, not all the IRC discussions among CWU members were completely full of nonsense, as the channel was planning all sorts of interesting projects. Especially Jyri was excited about The Alternative Party in Turku in the following April, where you could participate in the compos with all computers except a modern PC or Amiga.

This sounded like a pretty interesting experiment, but Meka was, as usual, skeptical (as he usually has been about all the really good ideas). He kept bringing up that the Alternative Party was going to be at the same time as The Gathering in Norway, so those who would choose Alternative Party instead were "just lamers". Oh well. I don't know if I'll have the resources to go to any demoparties this spring, as it might bring back all sorts of traumas, but I promised to at least be involved in spirit.